Monday, January 28, 2013

Things that go bump in the night

This weekend I had the pleasure of experiencing a sleep study to determine whether or not I have sleep apnea.  It seems that I stop breathing in the middle of the night in between my obnoxiously loud snoring. This cheery bit of news came from my husband who has the unfortunate job of sleeping next to me every night.  According to Jonathan, this job should require gun range quality ear muffs, and a hard hat.  The ear muffs need no explanation, but there is apparently a small risk that my snoring may one day bring down the ceiling fan... thus the hard hat.  I hate him. So, I signed up for the aforementioned sleep study.

It is widely known that I am a danger to myself and others, whether on foot or in a car, on a train or in a plane... You get the picture.  So, Saturday evening rolled around and Jonathan and the kids went to my nephews 3rd Birthday party (Happy Birthday Landon Man!!!) I stayed home to shower and show up for my sleep study at 8:30 P.M.  I was running a little behind, no time to dry my hair or put on tennis shoes.  The old faithful flip flops were calling my name.  As I ran towards the stairs at my usual break neck pace while carrying a overnight bag, blanket and King sized pillow, the flip flop decision came back to bite me.  I remember making it half way down the 21 steps before my feet went out from underneath me.  Then I woke up surrounded by my things with a literal pain in the @** and the nagging suspicion that I was supposed to be somewhere.  I broke 3 fingernails, scraped up my toe, scratched my hand, bruised my tail bone and my pride.  I think I only lost consciousness about 5-10 minutes, who can be sure?  The only thing that is certain is that I need constant adult supervision.

I gathered myself together and made my way to the car (second smartest idea of the night...coming in right behind the flip flops).  Then I called my brother and sister to confirm that as long as the bump on my head was going out I should be okay.  Clearly they are both medical professionals...not.  But, on to the sleep study with a possible concussion I went! When I arrived to the sleep study center the parking lot was empty and dark.  I rang the bell and was greeted several anxious seconds later by a man I had never seen before.  Stranger danger, anyone?  I proceeded to make nervous chit chat with him to get around to the lingering question,Who else is here with us in this creepy dark building? Yup, you guessed it. Just me and Lurch!  After my stranger friend got me tied up to every electrode,  EKG, cannula and probe he could find he told me to get some sleep!  Muahahahahahaha!  Or, at least that is the crazy laughter I heard in my head.  At one point he asked me to blink 3 times to get a baseline, so I did it and said "OK". Then he replied that there was no need to answer him because "He could see ALL.". Well, color me creeped out.  After saying my prayers for several hours followed by calling on the intercession of the virgin Mary and saying a Buddhist chant (p.s, I am Southern Baptist), I finally fell asleep for maybe 3 hours.  I was rudely awakened at 5 AM and escorted back to the scary still dark parking lot. I drove bleary eyed back home from one house of horrors to my own...The kids were up at 6:30.  But, in the words of Uncle Si, Hey! I still made it to church and that's a fact Jack!


  1. For the record, I advised her to seek professional medical help. This is not her first graceful tumble down a staircase. Never a dull moment for the Goodman clan.

  2. You did in fact advise seeking


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